Being a Black kid in the Bay Area is hard. I didn’t think it should be this hard, being it is one of the most “diverse” areas in the US, but it is hard.

In a very recent 2 week period, my two boys, who are 13 and 12, experienced other boys their age using the “n” word on 3 separate occasions, in the places where they spend the most time: school and soccer. Places that should be sanctuaries for them. And these are only the overt experiences, not the subtle experiences like not being given the benefit of the doubt, being “unseen”, or being given harsher treatment and all that.

Predictably, reactions from the powers that be in these spaces have been short-sighted — what can we do now — instead of thinking and acting more broadly. My husband and I have tried to explain this at length in several soul-draining discussions. We want to talk about the environment that fosters these kinds of behaviors and how that could be made more welcoming, as opposed to focusing on the behaviors themselves. And there have been a lot of soul-draining discussions.

I liken this approach to having a brain tumor that impacts mobility in one arm and because the surgeons don’t want to take the time to do the 16-hour surgery to root out the tumor, they recommend physical therapy to rehabilitate the arm. One would be tempted to think that it would be easy for the powers to understand, but now as I write this, I think that understanding is probably not the problem. My fear is that it’s only going to get harder for my boys from here.

The boys are alright. They are growing and testing boundaries and making mistakes and learning, like everyone else their age. They are resilient and will dig deep. We can do hard things. But how I wish I could absorb their pain.